Why I Still Don’t Feel Like a Real Cinematographer

There is a strange feeling many filmmakers carry quietly: the fear that you are still not a “real” cinematographer.

You can have professional cameras, lights, lenses, years of experience, paid projects, a studio, clients and a portfolio — and still feel that somewhere out there other people are doing the real work, while you are only pretending.

This episode is about that feeling. It is about imposter syndrome in cinematography, creative insecurity, the chaos of film production, moving to Portugal, building a rental house and trying to return to the reason I started in the first place: telling stories with images.

My name is Max Golov. I am a cinematographer and director of photography based in Lisbon, working across Portugal and Europe. I also co-founded Comuna Rental House, a film gear rental and studio space in Lisbon. From the outside, this can look like a very clear path. From the inside, it has often felt much messier.

Why cinematography is hard to measure

Some professions have obvious criteria. If you write code, it either runs or it throws an error. If a machine is broken, it either works again or it does not.

Cinematography is different.

You can expose the image correctly, build a beautiful lighting setup, choose an expensive camera, frame everything with precision and still fail. The shot can look good and still not tell the story. A project can become a collection of impressive frames that feel disconnected from the emotion, rhythm and meaning of the scene.

That uncertainty is one reason many cinematographers, camera operators, gaffers and filmmakers struggle with creative confidence. There is no simple number that proves the image is good. Taste, story, movement, tone and timing are much harder to measure than resolution, dynamic range or lens choice.

For me, this is one of the hardest parts of being a cinematographer. Technical skill matters, but it is never enough. A beautiful shot is not automatically a film. The image has to serve something larger.

A painful lesson from a feature film

Years ago, I worked on a feature film that almost destroyed my desire to shoot movies.

The production had almost no budget. We moved constantly from city to city and location to location. We worked long days, slept very little and pushed through physical exhaustion. I was giving everything I had, and in the end I even lost money because equipment broke on set and I had to pay for repairs myself.

Then the film never came out.

The footage stayed on hard drives. The story lost relevance. The pressure, the exhaustion and the sacrifice led nowhere. After that experience, I started questioning the whole idea of being a cinematographer. I had imagined film production as something meaningful and intense in the best possible way. What I experienced was chaos, stress and disappointment.

This is one reason you do not see feature films as a central part of my current portfolio. That experience stayed with me for a long time.

Fifteen years in the video industry

I am 37 now, and I have been in the video industry since I was 22.

My path was never clean or straight. I started with practical, unglamorous work: digitizing old VHS tapes, taping flyers to poles, shooting weddings, learning cameras and slowly entering bigger productions.

Later in Moscow, I rented out my own camera to get access to sets. I worked as a technician, assistant, focus puller and camera department collaborator. I carried cases, built rigs, watched how other people worked and kept thinking that one day I would gather enough experience to shoot my own films.

Then came years of compromises. I shot stock footage, product visuals, nature, macro, drone footage and many beautiful clips that were technically clean and commercially useful. They brought income, but they did not fully answer the deeper need.

Because a cinematographer is not only someone who records clean images. A cinematographer has to build visual meaning.

Moving to Portugal and losing the network

When I moved to Portugal, I had to start again.

For a cinematographer, moving countries is not only a change of address. It is a reset of social capital. Film production depends heavily on trust, relationships and community. Local producers, directors and crews already have people they know. They have been drinking coffee with the same collaborators for years.

So even if you arrive with experience, you still have to rebuild the professional network almost from zero.

That was one of the reasons I took a step sideways. Instead of only waiting for work as a freelance DP, my partner and I started building a film gear rental and studio in Lisbon. Business felt tangible. It had tasks, numbers, equipment, clients, systems and visible progress.

Over three years, we built Comuna Rental House through constant work: no weekends, little rest, endless operations, taxes, renovation, gear, bookings, marketing and client support.

I am proud of that. It gave me a real foundation in Portugal. But there was also an irony: while surrounded by cameras, anamorphic lenses, powerful lights and professional equipment, I was barely shooting as a cinematographer.

Gear is not the answer

Owning equipment can create a dangerous illusion.

It is easy to think that better gear will solve the creative problem. A better camera, a sharper lens, a stronger light, a cleaner monitor, a more expensive stabilizer. But gear does not create taste. It does not make a weak story stronger. It often only makes old mistakes look cleaner and more detailed.

Access to equipment is useful, especially for a cinematographer working in Portugal and Europe. It allows testing, preparation and flexibility. But it does not replace focus, discipline or story sense.

This is something I keep learning again and again. The tools matter, but only after the intention is clear.

Focus, discipline and creative chaos

By nature, I am impulsive. My attention jumps quickly. I get excited by new ideas, new technologies and new directions.

Right now, artificial intelligence is one of those temptations. I see people building digital products, automating workflows and creating things that previously required companies, budgets and engineering teams. It is exciting, and part of me immediately wants to run there.

But the longer I live through this business and creative journey in Portugal, the more I understand a boring truth: real progress comes from repeated work.

Not from one huge emotional breakthrough. Not from buying a perfect camera. Not from waiting until you finally feel like a real cinematographer.

Progress comes from doing the same important work consistently: shooting, writing, studying light, building a portfolio, meeting people, publishing work, finishing projects, improving the website, learning Portuguese, talking to clients and returning to the craft even when the mood is not romantic.

That is the hard part. And that is the part I am trying to practice now.

Why the crooked path matters

For a long time, I regretted that my path was not straight.

Weddings, VHS digitization, stock footage, technical work, rental business, immigration, entrepreneurship, operations — sometimes it felt like all of this pulled me away from cinematography.

Now I see it differently.

Our art is a projection of our life experience. Nobody else has the exact same combination of mistakes, scars, ambition, technical background, business pressure and relocation experience. That mess is not only a problem. It is also a point of view.

I do not feel like an established “great DP”. I still have many failed projects behind me. I still have internal conflicts. But I also know that these experiences can make the work stronger, because they give the images a real human foundation.

That is what I want to bring into future commercial projects, music videos, documentary work, branded films, photography and personal films: not just polished visuals, but lived experience.

Working with a cinematographer in Portugal

If you are looking for a cinematographer, director of photography, camera operator, gaffer or photographer in Lisbon, Portugal or elsewhere in Europe, you can explore my selected video work, view my photography portfolio or contact me here.

I work with commercials, music videos, branded content, documentaries, podcasts, interviews and creative productions. From Lisbon, I can support projects across Portugal and travel for shoots in Spain, France, Germany and other European locations.

Send the format, location, dates, references and production needs. I will reply with availability and practical next steps for camera, lighting and visual approach.